


Social Conventions

by withered



Series: In another life [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky goes on a crappy date, M/M, Social Media, Tony is the king of twitter, Twitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 15:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13684686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withered/pseuds/withered
Summary: Tony is a judger. He judges. It's what he does.There's never a moment when he isn't. Judging that is, because he does that.Even when he shouldn't. Like, when he really shouldn't.





	Social Conventions

Tony is a judger. He judges. It's what he does.  
  
There's never a moment when he isn't. Judging that is, because he does that. He thinks it might be because he's the dictionary definition of a spoilt brat. It isn't his fault that he's used to certain standards and hasn't got the upbringing to be ashamed by it.  
  
Howard and Maria were indulgent after all, and Jarvis' has dealt with Howard for years so his response has always been sharp wit to take Tony down a peg.

Not that it ever does, really.  
  
Of course, by the time he's thirty, Twitter exists, and it's a fun new game, _how to piss people off in 140characters or less._  
  
And thanks to technology, Tony doesn't have to deal with the offended looks of strangers which is great because spoilt as Tony is, he doesn't try and be an asshole - his brain to mouth filter just doesn't work for shit and his sense of humor is a little skewed.  
  
Being verified does great things for his ego too which doesn't help in the long run - owner and face of a multibillion-dollar company aside - getting him off Twitter is nearly impossible. Pepper comforts herself that at least Tony's got his metaphorical finger on the pulse of what's current and trending - usually, it's one of Tony's throwaway hashtags.  
  
Whatever helps, the Gucci isn't working anymore as a forgive-me-I'm-an-idiot gift.  
  
Twitter really is a great compromise though, now he can vent without ever needing someone to actually listen, it's like screaming into a void. Surprisingly, more often than not - the void - the people grinning behind their smartphones - actually like it.  
  
Probably because he talks shit about everyone indiscriminately, the president; the barista; the hoity-toity sales clerk; the annoying business associate; the stuck-up member of the press, Howard, anyone and everyone, not that they'd know.  
  
Unless they follow him on Twitter, in which case, _awkward_.  
  
Admittedly, however, not as awkward as tagging along on someone else's date.  
  
It isn't even holding candle that's the problem - Tony's played second fiddle often enough when Rhodey could only go on a date if Tony came with him while they were in school. What is the problem though, is when the couple he's third wheeling doesn't know he's third wheeling.  
  
And no, just because he's got the entire technological world at his fingertips, Tony didn't hop on this date of his own volition.  
  
All he did was answer a phone call, and then _just didn't put it down_.  
  
Even when he knew it was the wrong number because it was clearly a butt dial. But Tony was entirely too bored, then interested and then almost completely invested in a matter of moments.  
  
_Note, if someone doesn't like your name and exclusively refers to you as babe on the first date #RunBuckyRun_

_Lol, Bucky’s got a tongue on him tho_

_Side note, calling your shitty date Larry instead is a good alternative_  
  
_Can we as a society just agree that being shitty to the waiter is a deal breaker? Because what does that actually say about you as a person?_   
_  
_ _Ugh, this asshole just ordered the most pretentious sounding latte that the people at Starbucks are offended._

 _Bucky likes his coffee black, apparently its "basic" and indicative of a lack of originality_   
  
_Can you get a Ph.D. in bullshit?_

 _Star Trek for the win_   
  
_If you aren't into Star Wars that's cool, but don't go near me with that Poe Dameron is straight shit. I will find you and I will stab you_   
  
_If you think bisexuality is a phase unfollow me now_   
  
_I'm calling it, this asshat sounds like he wears ascots and somehow uses the words "fam" and "lit" unironically._   
  
_Listen, I know I shouldn't talk because that was basically me circa 2007_   
  
_But times were different_   
  
_The old Tony Stark is dead. We don't speak of him. Or to him._   
  
Tony blamed Twitter, even if it had been his choice to live-tweet the whole thing.  
  
_I'm aware I'm going to hell._   
  
_Everyone that's following me right now is going too_   
  
_Especially you @BartonBartonBarton cos you suggested turning location on and now I know where this date is crashing and burning_   
  
In his defense, Tony had no self-control.   
  
_Of course, I'm going to make smores there, what else do you do when you know the location of Hell's asshole??_   
  
Also in his defense, the diner was right around the block from one of his favorite pizza places in Brooklyn, and _yes - i have one of those, you vagrants, it's Brooklyn bitch_   
  
In the end, it worked in Tony's favor, Lucas, douche-y as he was, didn't keep his phone on the table face down on the table. It was probably in his pocket somewhere because Tony could only barely hear Lucas' date.  
  
Through the receiver, though, Lucas was going on about his personal in with _the Tony Stark,_ and said man couldn't help but wheeze.   
  
_You guys, I'm being used as a pick-up-line. I've reached highs that have never existed before_   
  
_@officiallyStarked be honest, is this guy @JustinHammer?_   
  
Tony almost coughed out his coffee, and had to wave away Martha when she cast worried glances at him.  
  
_@TheWidow you bitch, I'll spyware every electronic device you own, even your freezer will throw up_  
  
Though now that he threatened it, however jokingly, it was a consideration.  
  
_The waitress btw, super nice and elderly like. Where's the respect you guys?_  
  
Plus, Lucas' date - _Bucky_ \- had the patience of a saint and didn't deserve to be on this uberly shitty, sorry excuse of a date.  
  
_First dates usually suck, but this is just a painful study in why normal interactions destroy my will to live_  
  
Ask me what the probability of a star dying on the third of December this year will be, Tony wanted to tweet out, whether I subscribe to meta-theories about Toy Story or who I think will be on the Iron Throne. Manic Pixie Girl me, bitch.

Except he doesn't.  
  
That's too close to the chest, too honest even for him so for once, Tony doesn't.  
  
Instead, he focuses on the utter normalcy of the interactions he was eavesdropping on. Bucky wasn't taking Lucas' shit (and there was so much beyond the boring conversation topics, to his narrow view on sexuality, the toxic masculinity, the completely wrong opinion of Star Wars vs Star Trek, and how close Lucas actually was to Tony, which is to say, not at all), but being so calm and composed about it to the untrained ear, it was almost like he was agreeing.  
  
Though, if his quick rebuttals were anything to by, Bucky was actually holding back the retorts Tony could taste on his own tongue. All while politely drinking his coffee and not throwing a fit like Tony would have.  
  
_@ironpatriot you'd like him pooh bear, I could learn so much from him_  
  
Tony had thought about cutting off the call when he was sitting close enough to physically eavesdrop himself, but once he realized it was Lucas that had buttdialed him, he kept it going, and let Twitter know why:  
  
_if i have to cry about this date, luke can cry over his lack of minutes_   
  
_I'm not actually crying @godofthunder but if this guy gets a second date from poor Bucky, I will_   
  
_Also, Bucky's got a voice like molasses, why couldn't I have been listening to his voice this whole time instead??_   
  
_What do you mean what does he look like?? @TheWidow_   
  
_Lucas is the human equivalent of a headache which isn't so bad when you consider that Justin is explosive diarrhea personified. That's the scale._   
  
_Bucky has a badass metal arm, can't see his face tho_   
  
_His hair is black and he's got shoulders you wanna climb_   
  
_His eyes are blue and he's got like the mother of all jawlines._   
  
_Fuck, he's too good looking to be on this date_   
  
_And remember, lucas looks like a headache_  
  
_I'm hot, where's my date with Winter Wonderland?_   
  
_What the hell does that say about me being single and creeping while Headache-Lucas-Mucus is out with someone this smoking hot?_   
  
_Fuck off @BartonBartonBarton no one was actually asking you_   
  
_You're the one married to your weights you bastard, and @godofthunder, inhaling poptarts while chugging beer could still crush you like an egg_   
  
_Lucas the Mucus is off to empty his pea-sized bladder #RunBuckyRun_   
  
Ducking his head strategically as the object of his live-tweet attempted to swagger away, Tony counted three beats before he chanced a glance at Bucky sitting at the table, his polite expression giving way to annoyance.   
  
_See, poker faces like Bucky's are dangerous_   
  
_One minute you think he has the patience of a saint_   
  
_The next, he's got a knife in his hand and he's efficiently stabbing you in places where you'll die a slow death_   
  
_Beautiful and violent_   
  
_I used to think that about you @TheWidow but you need to return that shirt because Bucky's claimed it a hundred percent_  
  
_Speaking of, he's checking his phone, murder scowl up to fifteen and whoever he's messaging is deaddeaddead_   
  
_I've never been more afraid or turned on_   
  
_I'm getting retweeted by @MrPool. Time for a self-eval -_  
  
"Excuse me."  
  
Tony stiffened. Shit.  
  
Slowly, he raised his head and was hit full force by cheekbones photographers weep over and lips so plush, Tony's mouth popped open in surprise. "Uh, I can explain..."  
  
Bucky raised his phone, the screen displaying the app as he offered, "You're live-tweeting this shitty date."  
  
"That is...a lot more efficient of an explanation," he said with a wince.  
  
"I'm trending."  
  
"I'm sorry." It occurred to Tony too late that Bucky might be embarrassed, but Tony had spoken about him in such a good light and - oh god, I've been swooning like a fucking fangirl all over Twitter.  
  
And by the looks of Bucky's raised brow and devastating smirk, he knew all about it. And - _was he blushing because that's just -_   
  
"Babe, there you are - oh, Mr. Stark, I, wow, I can't believe you're here," Lucas said, already shoving his hand under Tony's nose.  
  
Discretely, Tony hid his phone under the table while forgotten and set aside by Lucas' Tony-Stark hardon, Bucky raised a brow.  
  
Jesus, Lucas wears ascots.  
  
"And you are...?" Tony squinted, only partially faking confusion because _do I actually know him?_  
  
His face fell while beside him, Bucky bit back a cough. "Lucas, sir. My father is Albert Humphrey, we met -"  
  
"That's great," Tony interjected, _so no,_ before smiling sweetly. "I'll have another, black - three sugars."  
  
Over his shoulder, the waitress lingered and Tony waved her over. "Martha, my darling, is that the pie you promised?"  
  
"It is, Tony," she said, sliding past Lucas to get closer to the table. She raised her brows. "Will these gentlemen be joining you?"  
  
" _He_ will be getting coffee," Bucky interjected, turning his twinklingsparklingshining blueblueblue eyes to Tony even as he directed Lucas with a cool commanding tone that just _did things_. "From the artesian place you said Tony likes, right, babe ?"  
  
Ohh, his voice really is like molasses...  
  
Holy fuck, did I mentioned his goddamn bedroom eyes?

Jesus, he's a walking poster boy for sex on legs.  
  
"Er - I, of course, but babe don't you think you should get it?" Lucas suggested to which Tony interjected smoothly, "But you know me so well, don't you, Larry? I'd prefer it if you got it."  
  
At Bucky's darkening eyes, Tony added, with a shit-eating smile, "Don't forget, Bucky likes his coffee as black as his soul."  
  
Baffled, Lucas stared at them as Bucky slipped easily into the booth across from Tony, snagged the pie on the table and asked, "Lannister or Targaryen?"  
  
Tony exhaled slowly. "You _are_ perfect."

**Author's Note:**

> My internet provider has blocked ao3, kill me.
> 
> Feel free to throw prompts or scream at me on my [Tumblr](https://everything-withered.tumblr.com/)


End file.
